Acceptance is Not Surrender.

Would you rather never feel the pain of losing someone, knowing that you will never feel love again?

Sometimes, when someone tells us to 'accept' our difficult feelings, it can sound like they're saying we should just give up and let those feelings take over. 

But that's not what acceptance really means.

Acceptance is about recognizing how we feel and what we're thinking, without trying to push those feelings away or ignore them. 

It's like saying, 'Yes, this is tough, and it's okay to feel upset about it.'

In the context of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), acceptance refers to the capacity to acknowledge our thoughts and emotions instead of avoiding or suppressing them. It involves being aware of our feelings and thoughts without judgment and allowing ourselves to experience them.

For example, if we lose someone we care about, accepting our feelings might mean acknowledging that it hurts and talking about how we're feeling with others, instead of pretending like everything's fine or trying to distract ourselves from the pain by going out, sleeping or overwhelming ourselves with work and studies! 

Acceptance is not about giving up or surrendering - it's about allowing ourselves to experience our emotions in a healthy way.

Learning to accept things as they are can be tough, no doubt about it. But it is a beautiful skill to learn.

Sometimes, we might hesitate to accept our difficult emotions because we're scared of what might happen if we let ourselves feel them. We might worry that we'll lose control or that we won't be able to handle the intensity of what we're feeling.

'What if I lose control to my unpleasant feelings when they occur? Who can help me when I sit with my overwhelming challenges and open up to them?’

For instance, when we talk about accepting depression, it's easy to feel like we're just supposed to focus on the negative and make ourselves even more miserable. But that's not what acceptance is really about.

To accept our depression, we first have to be willing to acknowledge it and understand how it feels in our bodies. Maybe it's a heavy feeling in our chest, or a sense of emptiness in our heart.

It's important to remember that accepting our depression doesn't mean we're giving up or resigning ourselves to a life of misery.

Instead, it's an opportunity for us to learn more about ourselves, what matters to us and what we value- which will help us grow!

By becoming more open to our difficult emotions, we can also become more open to experiencing positive emotions in our lives. 

When was the last time you thought of doing a hobby you like? Listened to your favorite song? Called an old friend? Took a day off to disconnect and enjoy nature? 

We might think that we will be able to move forward only when we cross out those difficult feelings, and only be open to experience the positive ones. 

However, we can't always feel happy and positive - it's just not realistic. Life is full of ups and downs, and both types of emotions are a normal part of the human experience.

Our feelings go hand by hand, and when we are open to all feelings we are able to experience both the high and low emotions.

Open the door.

Opening the doors to our feelings is an invitation to sit with whatever we are avoiding. We can ask ourselves 'What’s hardest about that?’,  'What is the hardest thing about losing a beloved one?'.

Maybe the hardest thing is knowing that we'll never see that person again, or that they won't be there to share in our joys and happy moments. Whatever it is, acknowledging those difficult feelings can be a powerful step towards healing and moving forward.

Pain is inevitable but suffering is not.

Suffering is what we create when we are denying this pain or reacting to it. It is when we think ‘Why me? this is not fair. I cannot stand this. I will never get over this.’

Depression and other hard feelings happen not because of the pain itself, but how we react to it.

Rather than challenging any negative thoughts that arise or the painful feelings underneath them, it is important to hold them with compassion. Ask yourself ‘How are you relating to your pain? Can you have some compassion to yourself as you go through this difficult time?’

Remember that the pain that we experience is an opportunity for us to learn and develop psychological flexibility.

Take home message:

We know that we are accepting when we are able to:

• Discuss painful and positive experiences
• Observe and describe emotions
• Seek out new activities that bring with them emotional experiences.

Yours truly,

Dana

Kindness is not just a virtue, it's a way of life.