Letting Go and Holding On: Five Green Flags for Healthy Friendships

Unpopular opinion: As you grow, some friendships may go offstage. 

It is not because you are 'losing people' or 'cutting them off'. This happens more naturally as you are growing, expanding, and shifting your focus to new priorities that matter to you. And most importantly, that align with your identity and purpose. Some people would still have a place in your heart, and you might decide to check on them and catch up from time to time, but this does not mean that you should necessarily allocate your time and energy to invest in them regularly.

Erik Erikson, the very well-known German-American developmental psychologist and psychoanalyst, suggested it is a normal stage of development to focus on relationships that are most important to us and we may have less time or energy to maintaining a large network of friends as we move into adulthood. We may prioritize other responsibilities such as our career, the family we are creating and our personal growth, which can lead to a further narrowing of our social circle, simply because not all our friends share our core values and perspectives on life.

I wrote this post because I often hear people feeling guilty or bad for not being able to maintain all their friendships over time. We all experience this and we might wonder if we did anything wrong. So, if you reflect on your relationships and notice that your circle is decreasing remind yourself that this is normal. In fact, according to Eriskson, you just achieved a developmental milestone by being more selective, and choosing relations that are true to yourself and your identity. 

The question is, in a world full of options, how do you know who are your real friends, and who you should keep in touch with and take the extra mile for?

Now, let's delve into the top five green flags of friendship. These points indicate a strong foundation for a long-lasting and meaningful bond.

1. They respect your boundaries. They will understand that you cannot attend their midweek birthday dinner when you have important work in the morning. They know when you want to talk about your family problems and they don't pressure you to open up when you are not ready. They know what matters to you and they do not make you feel bad or guilty for investing in it when they are not included. For example, they will understand that you would rather spend your Saturday afternoon with your family, rather than watching movies with them. 

2. You feel comfortable sharing your positive news with them. Your close friends are the ones who come to mind first when you have good news to share. Whether it's landing a new job, planning to propose to your partner, or starting a new project, you know they'll be genuinely happy for you. You don't have to worry about them being jealous or asking why you didn't tell them sooner - you can just share your excitement with them without any fear of judgment.

3. They validate and understand what you are going through. It's really important to have people around you who don't make you feel bad when you're going through a tough time. When you have a problem at work or you're feeling sad, you need a friend who will listen to you without making you feel worse. For example, if you break up with your partner, you don't want your friend to say 'I told you so' or make you feel like it's your fault. 

4. They communicate how they feel instead of the silent-treatment or ghosting you. Sometimes, friends can get into arguments or misunderstandings. Your friend might be upset or feel like you're not listening to them. A good sign that they're a good friend is if they're honest with you about their feelings when you ask them about it. They don't act like in a passive-aggressive way or say mean things to get back at you. Instead, they talk to you like a grown-up and tell you what's bothering them. For instance, if your friend is upset that you canceled plans with them, they should tell you how they feel instead of being rude or ignoring you.

5. They put effort and value your time together. Real friends always make an effort to stay in touch with you, whether it's through phone calls or hanging out in person. They'll find a way to reach out and check in on you, even if it's just for a quick text. When you're together, they won't be glued to their phones, looking for ways to leave early or making you feel bad for not keeping up with them. And when you finally get to catch up with them after a while, the conversation will just flow naturally - no awkwardness!

Studies have proven that having a friend you can trust and confide in is a key factor for your mental health and sense of self (Cleary, Lees & Sayers, 2018). So, it's worth taking a moment to think about who your friends are and how you feel when you're with them. Pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, and actions when you're around them - it can tell you a lot about the impact they have on you.

There is no recipe for friendship in specific, but there are definitely key ingredients for any healthy relationship; one that comprises communication, trust and genuine care and acceptance. Keeping a friendship going is like a dance - it takes two people to make it work.

Take home message: 

By the end of this week, take some time to reflect on your relationship with the people you spend most of your time with (other than your family).

Do they make you feel loved and accepted? Do they listen to you when you need help or support? Do they respect your time and boundaries, or you find yourself making excuses or lying to please them or avoid conflict? 

Yours truly,

Dana 

Kindness is not just a virtue, it's a way of life.