How Does It Feel to Have a Partner Who Struggles With Anxiety?

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‘Life starts only when the hurtful and heavy thoughts and feelings are resolved', 'I will feel good only when I get a raise, buy this house, or get that car...' - A misconception that most people have. 

We learned to label our feelings as either ‘good’ or ‘bad’. We consider happiness a good feeling while sadness or worry as a bad feeling. We also tell ourselves that sadness could lead to depression, right?

Truth is, every feeling has a place; it needs to be felt.

Things might get more complicated when the person who is struggling with these unpleasant feelings and thoughts, is someone dear to us like our partner or a close friend.

How does it feel to have someone who struggles with anxiety and how can we support them?

It is common to feel the pressure or intuition to rescue our beloved ones who struggle with anxiety, to tell them that they are loved and appreciated and that their negative thoughts don't make sense. As simple and straightforward as it sounds to us, their anxious mind won't listen. This mind is wired to survive; to escape floods, survive earthquakes and plan a successful escape from predators. This has been evolutionary needed, to guarantee our survival and persistence. Yet, this mindset of fixing problems does not apply to dealing with internal processes, feelings and thoughts.

In fact, the more you try to fix your pain, the more it is amplified.

This same survival system is constantly active and alert for people with anxiety, ready to respond to any perceived threats that may arise. Their anxious mind could be triggered when you are late for a date with them and you keep them waiting, when you make an unnecessary joke or when they have a challenging day at work. The biology behind it is also solid. Research shows that the HPA axis - complex set of interactions between the hypothalamus, pituitary gland, and adrenal glands that plays a crucial role in the body's stress response- and the subsequent release of cortisol-a stress hormone- can have negative effects on the physical and mental health of people with anxiety.

Those people might also feel the fear of being judged or rejected by others. This can cause them to avoid social situations, such as going on a date or attending your best friend's birthday party even if they really want to go. They might overthink comments and always plan for the worst case scenario 'What if they did not like me', 'What if I was underdressed', 'I do not belong to this group, they are very close friends and I could be an intruder'. The physiological effects of anxiety, such as increased heart rate and sweating, can make it even more challenging to overcome this fear and engage in the activity leading to missed opportunities for bonding and intimacy. They might even be perceived as cold or distant by others who do not know them.

It is certainly not easy to see our beloved ones struggling with anxiety, and it is important to know that even though we cannot be their therapists, we can still support them by cultivating compassion in three simple ways:

  1. Listen without judgment: When your partner opens up to you about their anxiety, it's essential to listen attentively without judgment. Make the intention to understand their perspective (when, who, what, how often). Listen with your ears, heart and eyes.

  2. Offer support: Let them know that you're there for them and offer your support. If it is hard for you to relate to what they are going through, just listen. Sometimes, just having someone to talk to can make a significant difference in managing anxiety symptoms.

  3. Practice patience: Anxiety can be unpredictable, and it can take time to manage symptoms. It's essential to practice patience and avoid pressuring the person to ‘get over it’ or ‘calm down’. When you feel that it has become time consuming or overwhelming for you, agree with your partner to allocate a specific time to talk and listen, for 5 or 10 minutes every other day.

If your partner struggles with anxiety, this is an opportunity for you to learn more about their condition and its symptoms, so you can better understand what your partner is going through and know how you can support them. Remember that everyone experiences anxiety differently, and what works for one person may not work for another.

Practicing compassion in relationships can have a significant impact on your personal growth too. It allows you to practice active listening and express empathy and understanding. It also improves your emotional regulation skills, by learning to manage your own emotions and respond to your partner in a more compassionate way.

Take home message: 

By the end of this week, take some time to reflect on how you have recently showed up to your partner when they were in distress. 

Did you show them compassion? 

What did you do? and most importantly, how were you feeling in that moment?

What would you do differently to connect and deepen your relationship?

Yours truly,

Dana 

Kindness is not just a virtue, it's a way of life.

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