Healthy Compromise in Relationships

It is common to hear that compromise is necessary for a successful relationship to thrive.

This is partially true, because one should be clear on what they can compromise.

Staying true to your values is crucial for personal fulfillment and happiness. So when you compromise, find a solution that respects both you and your partner's needs, without betraying your own principles. Or else, you will find yourself blaming your partner for making you do things or take decisions that you did not want to consider. You may also find yourself resenting them or engaging in passive aggressive communication styles.

For example, suppose you value your alone time and independence, while your partner wants to spend all their free time together. An unhealthy compromise would be for you to always give up your time alone to please them even though it goes against your personal needs and desires. In the short term, this compromise may make your partner happy, but over time, it can lead to feelings of resentment and a sense of loss of one's identity. At first, you would think that you are being considerate and cooperative, however if this pattern becomes recurrent you will soon start to feel suffocated and trapped in the relationship, leading to arguments and a breakdown in communication. Ultimately, this can lead to the end of the relationship if the compromise is not addressed.

Unhealthy compromise can also occur in work-related relationships. For instance, when you, as an employee, agree to work overtime regularly, even though it is not in your contract and it affects your work-life balance negatively, in order to please your boss or to avoid being seen as uncooperative. This type of compromise can lead to burnout, stress, and job dissatisfaction.

According to the Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), compromise in healthy relationships involves finding a middle ground between two different perspectives or needs. This means that both partners are willing to give up something to reach a solution that benefits both of them.

This can be done simply by following these three practices:

1. Validate both perspectives: Remind yourself that your partner’s perspective is also important and should be heard and validated. Acknowledge their valid points of view and show them that their feelings and needs matter to you. You can say: ‘I notice that you feel upset when I tell you that I need some time alone, is that accurate? I know you want us to spend more time together and I do love spending time with you too. I understand where this is coming from as you value our quality time and this means a lot to me!’
2. Use effective communication: This is key to building a healthy relationship. You should both be clear and direct about your needs and feelings, while also being respectful and empathetic towards the other person. You can say: ‘Still, I want you to know that I also need some time alone because I value having my time separately to reflect and process things on my own. This does not mean that it makes me love you or appreciate you any less!’
3. Be willing to give and take: Both partners should be willing to give up something in order to reach a solution that works for both of them. This means compromising by finding a middle ground that honors the needs and feelings of both of you. You can ask: ‘How about we set a mid-week date for us to catch up and make sure it is undisrupted so we can be fully present with each other?’
4. Focus on the present: Compromise is about finding a solution for the present moment, not trying to resolve past issues or prevent future problems. Both partners should focus on the present situation and work together to find a solution that works for both of them. ‘I know I was not vocal about this before and you may have felt rejected when I was not available to answer you all the time. Let’s talk about what we can do now to make sure that we are both happy and satisfied’.

Overall, compromise in healthy relationships involves both partners being willing to listen, understand, and work together to find a solution that honors both of their needs and feelings. It requires effective communication, empathy, and a willingness to give and take.

Take home message:

In the very next conversation with your partner today, practice being an observer of the moment and ask for clarification if you find anything hard to read. 

You can try the below questions:

How are you feeling? Are you doing okay? 

How are we doing? How are things between us? 

I notice _______________________________ ; is that accurate? 

Also notice how you feel and what you want from this conversation—would you like to share anything with your partner? What would be a constructive way to express it without damaging the relationship?

Yours truly,

Dana 

Kindness is not just a virtue, it's a way of life.