Attached For Life: Understanding Your Attachment Language

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Relationships are not easy. They trigger our most fundamental insecurities, and activate our deepest self-doubts.

This does not have to be as scary or bad as it sounds. In fact, relationships are exciting; they teach us about ourselves more than any other experience. 

Understanding our attachment style holds the key to unlocking the full potential of our relationships. Many people find themselves in toxic relationships’ cycles and loops, thinking that they are ‘unlucky’ or ‘helpless’ when it comes to choosing partners.

This is not true.

When we notice and acknowledge our behaviors and thinking patterns, we can identify our attachment style which was developed based on our first relationship ever, which is our relationship with our parents! 

According to the attachment theory which was first developed in the 1950s (Ainsworth & Bowlby, 1991 ), and which is still supported by many theories today, our relationship with our parents determines our attachment style which is again triggered in the relationships we have later in life. We tend to mimic the same patterns with our significant others, so we either have a secure or insecure attachment. 

If you dig down your unconscious and dissect your past relationship with your parents (Freud's most exciting topic), you might realize that you did not have the perfect relationship either; maybe you had a narcissistic parent who was also inconsistent- could be the 'tough love' your mother gave you; the mother who would punish, neglect or simply not intervene in your life consistently, then show up one day as the most caring and loving person, as long as you are fulfilling her expectations. Growing up with neglectful, toxic or distant parents is challenging as it directly affects one's core belief of self-worth, which could influence our decisions when choosing our partners; what we expect, accept and react to.

Think of someone who is aware of their partner's toxic attitudes and behaviors, and they still wanted to be with them because this kind of relationship was somehow familiar to them.

They have been through it once (with their parents) and now. That's why they feel safe, because they know what to expect: the ups and downs, the hurt then the unexpected love bombing which could also make this challenging relation exciting and 'special'. The reason why they have insisted to stay with their partner and tried 'to fix' the relationship could be the result of the attachment wound that they unconsciously want to resolve. Their unconscious mind might be saying things like 'If I did not have my parent's love and care, I will try to get it now from my partner who will appreciate me and love me unconditionally'.

Insecure attachments present in three styles: the anxious, disorganized and avoidant. 

For instance, someone may be embarrassed about being too clingy or their constant need for love and attention. They might ask questions like ‘Does my partner really love me? What if they leave me? Am I good enough for them?’. This is typical for individuals who have an anxious attachment style. They are often anxious and uncertain, and tend to be over needy. They could have low self-esteem and crave emotional intimacy. They also worry that others don’t want to be with them.

They might find it hard to self-soothe their own emotions, so both relationships and the world around them can feel frightening and unsafe. They keep on talking about how relationships are so confusing and often find themselves swinging between extremes: they either love or cannot stand their partner. They find themselves wondering ‘Why do I have such conflicting feelings about my partner? Why do I feel so unstable in this relationship?’. This is what a disorganized attachment look like. This attachment style stems from intense fear, often as a result of childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse. Adults with this style of insecure attachment tend to feel they don’t deserve love or closeness in a relationship.

The last insecure style is when someone would consistently claim that they don't want to be in a relationship (even when they seek to be in one). They soon find themselves complaining and they find it difficult to tolerate emotional intimacy. They value their independence and freedom to the point where they can feel uncomfortable with closeness in romantic relationships. They might have thoughts like ‘Do I really need this relationship? Why do I feel suffocated in this relationship? Can I maintain my independence in this relationship?’. This is the avoidant style. Instead of craving intimacy, people are so wary of closeness,  they try to avoid emotional connection with others. They’d rather not rely on others, or have others rely on them.

Even though this can be eye-opening, it is important to remember that we are not our partner's therapists, and they are not responsible for resolving our insecure attachment styles either. What do we do in this instance of realization? Does it mean that we are doomed to be stuck in this unhealthy pattern? 

Of course not!

Acknowledging our insecure attachment style helps us understand the origin of our conflicting thoughts and behaviors which is the first step in our journey to develop a secure attachment style and learn to engage in healthier ways with our beloved ones!

What you have to do next is to work on developing a secure attachment by challenging these conflicting thoughts when they come up.

Below are three simple, yet powerful Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) based strategies to do this. Ask yourself:

  1. Are these thoughts based on FACTS? or current unpleasant feelings? (Challenging negative thoughts)

  2. What is the evidence that my partner does not love me? (Reality testing)

  3. Most importantly, speak to yourself with kindness and compassion. This will help you reduce your self-criticism too.

Take home message: 

If you know that you have an insecure attachment style, it’s very important to remember that you don’t have to resign yourself to enduring the same attitudes, expectations, or patterns of behavior throughout life. The more you understand, the better you’ll be able to recognize—and correct—these conflicting thoughts and behaviors.

You can always ask for professional help to make more sense of your emotional history and become more secure in relationships!

Yours truly,

Dana 

Kindness is not just a virtue, it's a way of life.

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