What Does It Take to End Pain?

Do you know those people who seem like they have it all? They look happy, successful and easygoing.

How many times have you asked yourself ‘Why can’t I be happy like them? Why do I always have it the hard way? Why others don’t suffer the way I suffer?’.

Truth is, they do, just like you. Everybody has felt sadness, anxiety, guilt, and shame. We all have embarrassing memories, difficult feelings, failures and heartbreaks. Still, we wear a smile and show up as if everything is okay. Pain is universal, and people deal with it differently. This does not mean that you are doomed to suffering. In fact, pain and suffering are two different things.

For instance, suffering comes from the latin word ‘ferre’ which means to carry. The prefix ‘suf’ means ‘from below up’. In other words, suffering connotes the idea that there is a burden that you are unable to carry away. That is is more than pain alone.

When you accept your pain, you can start to develop a new relationship with it; one that is based on acceptance, compassion, and self-care. This can help you live a more fulfilling and meaningful life, even in the face of difficult emotions and experiences.

Remember that pain is a normal part of the human experience, and that accepting it with compassion doesn't mean that you have to like it or that it won't change. It simply means that you're choosing to be with it, with care and understanding, instead of avoiding it.

According to Acceptance and Commitment therapy (ACT), pain is our compass to values. It helps us know what we care about. When you feel pain, ask yourself  'What does that suggest I care about?' or 'What should I not care about for this not to hurt and not to matter?’.

For example, the flip side of social anxiety could be social connection. Imagine yourself attending your first work Gala Dinner and you're new to the company. You step into the big fancy dining hall, and you see everyone socializing, laughing and talking with other people that they know. You now feel your heart beating fast, your face blushing and your hands shaking. The moment you decide to introduce yourself to someone standing beside you, you start wondering 'Did they notice that I am blushing? Is my voice shaking? They might be thinking that I am weird or not interesting. I bet they are judging my outfit. I should have asked my friend to come with me to feel better....'. This is indeed a painful experience. According to ACT, in the pain you feel from social anxiety, you understand that you care about connecting with others. This pain now serves a purpose to help you understand what you value. You want to be part of the conversation, because you value connecting with people around you.

Thus, once we accept our pain and allow it to be, we could appreciate it, and flip it into purpose.

We also learned to label our feelings as either ‘good’ or ‘bad’. For example, we consider ‘happiness’ a good feeling while sadness or worry as a bad feeling. We also tell ourselves that sadness could lead to depression, right? It is common to think that life starts only when the hurtful and heavy thoughts and feelings are resolved.

So, what does it take to end this pain? 

Truth is, you don't want your pain to end, unless you are willing to give up caring about things you love and people who matter to you. Every feeling has a place; it needs to be felt. Only when we open up to deeper and new positive emotions, we can start initiating new behaviors. After we acknowledge the anxiety and hold it with kindness, we can think of things that we never thought about before like joining pottery classes, painting, deepening our relationships with our beloved ones..

Once we accept our pain and allow it to be, we could appreciate it, and flip it into purpose.

Take home message:

Ask yourself today: ‘What would you like to do when your anxiety or sadness disappear?’, then do it anyway, and allow your feelings to join your journey.

Yours truly,

Dana 

Kindness is not just a virtue, it's a way of life.