Self-guilt and self-blame are two of the most misunderstood emotional patterns I see.

We often treat them like moral strengths.

‘She’s so hard on herself.’

‘He takes full responsibility.’

Truth is, self-blame is rarely about accountability.

More often, it’s about control.

If it was my fault… then I can fix it.

If I caused it… then I won’t be blindsided again.

If I punish myself first… maybe no one else will.

It gives the nervous system a strange sense of safety.

And guilt?

Healthy guilt is informative. It tells you you crossed a value and need repair.

But chronic guilt- the kind that lingers, replays, and punishes- isn’t about values anymore.

It’s about identity.

‘I didn’t make a mistake.’

‘I am the mistake.’

When I sit with clients in this space, I’m not trying to convince them to ‘be kinder to themselves’ in a superficial way.

We explore what the self-blame is protecting.

What would happen if they stopped carrying it? What fear would surface?

Because often, underneath guilt and blame, there’s grief.

Or anger that was never allowed.

Or a child who learned that taking the blame kept the peace.

Accountability is empowering.

Self-punishment is not.

There’s a difference.

Here’s a prompt to reflect on - when you notice self-blame show up, does it feel more like responsibility… or self-protection?

Yours truly,

Dana Berri

Kindness is not just a virtue, it's a way of life.